And the beat goes on...

Sometimes people can get so absorbed in their own lives that they forget that the world is out there carrying on without them.  Sometimes I am that particular person.

I usually pride myself on being in tune to other people.  I like to ensure that there is a level of balance, peace or equilibrium in all of my relationships.  In saying that, it's easy for me to revert back into myself so that I can recharge.

I think that the biggest thing for me to learn is to stop giving so much of myself to one person or multiple people. I've never been big into New Year resolutions and have always thought if there's something that you're unhappy with, you should just change it.

Maybe 2014 I will make a resolution or two.  The resolution will be to follow through.  Now doesn't that sound lovely?

Pep talk- buying a house style

So, I've been looking to buy a place for the past few months.  I've gone from buying used to new, back to used.  I've looked at townhouses, apartments, and investing with my parents in a single family home, which in fact would be a dual family home...

The fact of the matter is that in less than a year I will be 30 and I might still be living at home with my parents and my two younger brothers.  And that petrifies me.  Seriously.

When my Mom was 29, she had already popped out two kids and was on her way to being mortgage-free with my Dad.  Granted, I get that the times are a changing.  I know I haven't met Mister Right (I did meet a Wright, but that was all wrong) and buying a place by myself is really the smartest thing that I could do.  But I can't help but wonder, how many people are like me out there?  We're twenty and thirty-somethings and we're living the dream at home with ma and pa.  And by dream, I mean nightmare. Don't get me wrong, I love my family, but there's something about spreading your wings and being self-sufficient and doing whatever you want.

I took a Stats Can call the other day and was intrigued by my responses.  So intrigued that I look forward to seeing the current stats in Canada about whom lives with whom and how old all those cool cats are.  Buying a place on a single income is one scary mofo of a situation, so why not live with the 'rents a little longer?

My Grandmother advised me the other day that I should be asking my Dad for help to buy a place, because, as she put it- my brothers can go out and find wives, while I most likely will end up alone.  Well, Happy Holidays to you too my dear Grandmother.  Sheesh.  And I've travelled with you.  I have listened to your inane dating fiascos and I'm going to be the old spinster....  I feel like Mindy from the Mindy Project, except I don't live in NY, I'm not a rich, successful doctor, and well yeah.   So really, not like Mindy at all.  That's about it.

Don't take this the wrong way, I'm not bitter.  I accept that I might not have the fairy tale ending with Prince Charming, but damn, a little help?  I'm nifty.  I like sports.  I like beer and can drink whiskey.   And I throw a mean right hook when I need to.  This really doesn't sound like the enticing summary of an online dating profile...  But I don't want that.  I am happy being alone.  I know who I am.  I know what I want, what I will accept and what I won't.  And at the end of the day, I have me and I love me.  I have fantastic friends and family and no bs about wondering when Capitain D-bag is going to call.  You might think I'm jaded, but I call it realistic.  And let's face it, I'm fantastic, and I'm buying a condo by myself.  Preferably before I'm 30.  

An asshole is always an asshole

After a few glasses of vino, oh who the hell am I kidding, how about a bottle, I have found my thoughts lingering towards you.

While I've deleted you from my phone and told you I don't want to talk to you again, I actually feel an intense need to message you.  I know you're no good for me and I highly doubt that you even think of me.  But that is what bothers me.  How could I have gone for the safe bet and have you end up a complete and utter asshole?  How could I have thought that someone as timid as you would have turned out to be a jerk?

I know that not everyone is going to mesh, in my mind, I thought we would.  I thought you would have seen that.  Here I am on a couch, in a room that we have once been in and I'm wondering if any of it ever meant anything or if it was just a pile of shit.

Neither here nor there, it really doesn't matter anymore.  You wanted to maintain a friendship, but when it came down to it, you didn't respect me enough to show me what a friendship would mean.  I'm better off without you and everyone I've talked to believes the same thing.  I would have been what you wanted or needed because I cared and loved you, but you were never going to be what I wanted or needed.

It's heart breaking, but it's just another chapter closed.  Another disappointment that will lead down the road.  I know one day I will find what I'm looking for and honestly you probably never will.  I thank you for the lesson, for the fun times while they lasted and for the sheer sadness that's left me feeling like this.  You'll never read this, but at least it's better than maintaining some illusion of contact.

I might write my memoirs one day and you will be in them.  You will be the portion of the man who made me love him, but never had any intention of loving me back.  You, my friend, are a coward, as Bob Marley said.  Thank you.

Random

It's been awhile, what can I say.  Life is interesting to say the least.  I've learned a lot over this past year.  Just last month marked a year since my injury.  I've started bootcamp and now do Pilates a couple of times a week.  I'm on a mission.  My mission is health and there's no looking back.

Not only is physical health my goal, but also ensuring that my mental health stays in the right zone.  Over this past year, I have been involved in a somewhat tumultuous relationship.  I've cared for the man and loved him, hoping all along that it would reciprocate.  Over the past 11 months, awaiting him to make up his mind, has left my self-esteem low, my heart broken a few times, and a general level of disdain towards the whole situation.

Finally it's completely over.  We are going to try to be friends, but I don't know what that looks like and most of my friends don't get why I would want to maintain a friendship with him.  In all honesty, that's just the person that I have always been- the one who puts herself last and is always concerned about the other party.  I really as truly believe that that is my downfall.  I don't foresee myself changing who I am as a person, so I guess I will see if he actually wants to maintain a friendship.

In the meantime, here's to Bootcamp, Pilates, eating clean, meditating, and feeling comfortable in my skin again.  I have a lot of self-love, it just so happens that sometimes it gets questioned.  Here's too my 29th year.  Here's to the year that I meet my health goals.  And here's to the year where I don't allow a man to decide my value.

Almost there

I'm not fully healed by any means, but I'm happy to say that as of Tuesday, I will be back at work.  That's exciting business.  My first day back will include an interview for a full time position.  Stoked.

I finally got the new knee brace this week and as of yesterday, I have been approved to do squats in my exercises.  Words cannot express my excitement.  Who knew that I would be stoked about squats?!?  Not me, that's for damn sure.

I have come to a lot of realizations since I have been off.  I have re-evaluated what I want in terms of my health- physical and mental, relationships, and my career.  I am not surprised by any of my realizations, I guess it was just time for me to decide to act on them.  So here we go.

The focus for the remainder of 2013 will obviously entail full rehabilitation of my leg, the remainder of my weightloss journey, a push in my career and mainly a  sincere focus on my friends and family.  Looks like a lot, eh?  It is a lot, but at the end of the day, it's all for the betterment of myself.  Kind of selfish, but I'm the one living my life and it is all about me.

42 days injured has turned into something much more.  I shouldn't have titled this "42 days injured"- it should have been called "42 days of healing" or something somewhat deep like that.

It's been a slice.  You'll have to stay tuned for more, this blog is pretty much finished.  I will keep you updated as the rehab continues, but those will just be milestones and reek of excitement and awesomeness.

I think that my next blog will be about the remainder of my weightloss journey.  Got a little ways to go, but I'm driven.  I'm not ending up on a surgery table again, I will not be scared of ever having a blood clot, and I sure as hell am not going to let someone else tell me my future.

Over and out friendos.

Dance dance

I can't actually dance, I chair dance.  

Quite random.  

So, the knee.  Things are looking up.  Saw the specialist yesterday, been okayed to go back to work gradually.  As of the 27th, I will be back 5 days a week at 4 hours a day to build up.  This will go on for 4 weeks.  Pretty exciting business.

My physiotherapist is in Bali now, lucky girl and she won't be happy to know that next week I get to start hammy work.  Apparently I could have been doing hammy work since the start of physio...  Good of the specialist to let us know the protocol he gave us was for an ACL hamstring graft reconstruction.  I probably could have been a lot further along.  C'est la vie.

I went and visited my work yesterday, dropped off the dr note and saw my coworkers.  I've missed them.  I will be back in no time though.

It's a long weekend and usually I would be preparing for a rodeo excursion, but that won't be going down this year.  I'm going to have the pleasure of seeing some amazing people tomorrow and firing up the BBQ.  

Anyways, 42 days injured is drawing to a close.  The rehabilitation part as noted in previous posts will continue.  I can't wait to share my progress.  I have some lofty goals ahead, but I'll get them done.

Talk to ya soon!

Odds and sods

The Italian invasion has left.  I didn't get to spend as much time with them as I would have liked, but that's the nature of it.  All of the family comes out to see my Nonni when they are in town, and so they should.  It just means that I will have to go visit more.

This past week has been one of those weeks.  I've been walking, but the pain has shot up, I still don't have the right knee brace, so back to a crutch I go.  Have to protect the graft.  This process has kind of started to get me down, but then I remember it is what it is.  Rehabilitation will be 7 months prior to even running.  Yikes.  First things first.

Last week marked the 9th year since my Papa's passing.  He was a peach.  One of the kindest souls I have ever known.  They just don't make 'em like him and my Nonno anymore.  

Maybe I will become a crazy cat lady (but with dogs). My Nonno kept asking me this weekend when my wedding is.  I laughed, he then asked if I like girls- no Nonno, I very much like men.  He told me that if I go to church, God will send me a prince- sweet thought, but I don't think that's how it works.  Oh Nonno.  Just because I'm his only single granddaughter, pushing 29 and living with my parents doesn't mean that I am a failure...  On second thought, maybe it's time to move out.  Budget time.

Adios and catch ya later.  Odds and sods for sure.

Invasion!

It's the invasion of the Italians this weekend.  You cannot even begin to understand how stoked I am.  S T O K E D.  Simple as that.

My Nona and Nono are in town today to celebrate her 80th birthday party with a bunch of Italians who came off the boat the same year as her.  That's what I've heard anyways, it might be slightly different than that.

I love it when I get to see my grandparents.  I used to actually go stay with them for 3-4 weeks in the summer when I was younger.  I don't get up there as much anymore which is really quite sad.  I need to do that.  I have been lucky to know both sets of my grandparents and I thank my lucky stars for that.

Something about spending time with family, reminiscing, hearing about the old days, it really puts things into perspective for someone.

I am looking forward to some good company, good food and good wine.  

Also, I am looking forward to catching the NLL championship game this weekend.  Yep, that's random.

Well, til I see you again.  I'm going to finish getting my hair did and pick up some items for dinner.  Then drink some wine and espresso.  Jealous much?

Ciao bella!

Living the dream

It's been a glorious few days. I have appreciated the ableness to drive again and have put a substantial amount of miles on the good ol' Cabrio. It is top down weather you know.

Since the last post, I have also started walking. Now this is the bees knees. I have to count my blessings that I have not had to suffer an injury that affects my upper body, other than a broken thumb a time or two (touch wood)- but being unable to walk sucks. Walking currently entails minor tasks, not prolonged in duration, and then a speedy requirement of elevation and icing. Still no work until the week of May 20th.

Physio was painful yesterday, but it is what it is. I have the battle wounds of colourful bruises to prove it. I think my therapist takes great joy in inflicting discomfort, but she is awesome and making me better, so I go with it. Also I have been fitted for my knee brace. I chose a pretty nifty green one, because well it didn't come in black and mauve just ain't my style. I just have to wait for it to be approved. Fingers are crossed that it's a speedy process. Evidently I am going to be wearing this brace for everything for 6 months. What the business. And then 6 or more months after that I get to wear it for physical activity.

This is a sentilating post, isn't it? You wish you were as cool as me.

Oh side bar- B's stagette has been booked!! CAN NOT WAIT! I will be rocking out the emerald knee brace at the beach, winery, and wherever else I see fit. I should probably tell her not to worry about seeing the thing in the wedding pics- I'm nice and will take it off for photos.

It's all a day in the life of me. Read 'em and weep. Catch ya on the b side.

Which of these three don't belong?

Absolutely randomness today. The coolness of the day is described below:

1- approved to drive by my physio. This means that Marley got to rock out with the top down. Also, this means that there is freedom for me now. Excursions will be had.

2- physio was awesome. Said awesomeness at physio was due to swelling being down and being okayed to book my ACL brace fitting.

3- shopping at The Bay and sushi with my broski.

4- booking ACL brace fitting apt and a hair apt.

5- tanning in the sunshine with Kale. Self explanatory.

6- watching a lax game in T-3hours.

7- obviously the Canucks winning tonight's game.

These are some of the reasons today rocked. Don't be jelly.

Inspiration? Nah, just me.

No matter what I have done in my life or will do, I highly doubt that I will be considered an inspiration to anyone.  I don't know if that is a lack of self confidence, humbleness, or just plain idiocy.  All I know is that everyone goes through things in his or her life and some people will look at those trials and tribulations as something amazing and take from it.  Some people might find some things that I am going through to be interesting, but let's not use the word inspiration.

My physiotherapist made a point of asking me if I would speak to one of her clients when she came in on Monday.  I had already had my treatment and was doing my exercises in the gym and my physio brought Tae to see me.  Tae had an ACL surgery a week after me and her progress is substantially different from mine.  Now, we understand that everyone heals different, but Tae seems to be extra cautious and extremely worried about the healing and possibly developing a blood clot.  Now as someone who has had 4 knee surgeries, an ankle surgery and a blood clot, we figured that it might help Tae get some perspective.  I spoke with Tae for probably 5-10 minutes, reiterated the importance of the cryocuff, elevating, doing exercises and not being afraid to move (she lays in bed a majority of the day and feels sorry for herself).  I told her that it is normal for people to experience depression when they go through things like this- God knows I have previously.  Things seemed to sink in a little.  I told her that if she is concerned about a blood clot, to ensure she is acquainted with the symptoms (Google) and have the nurse's hotline around so that she can call and tell them her symptoms and that they can advise her if she should go to emerg.  Today when I saw my physio she asked how the conversation went, I let her know and she thanked me.

The progress that I have made so far has really surprised my therapist, but it is what it is. I made a point of ensuring before surgery that I was in the gym and moving a lot. Pre- and post- surgery I was petrified of developing a blood clot again, so I repeatedly told my surgeon of this concern. He approved me to do light stretching and of course the ABCs to help prevent this. I really do feel that the early movement, coupled with my desire to bounce back fast has been key to the milestones that I have achieved so far. Granted, the milestones don't mean that I will be at work any sooner, due to all of my rehab and specialist appointments and well of course, not pushing myself too hard to the point of re-injury.  As of today, I am down to one crutch. I am in the gym or at physio daily. I just broke 30 minutes on the recumbent bike today, it felt so good, and my RPMs were actually above 50. Last week, it was pushing it to be at 26 RPMs. Slowly but surely, I am getting there. I miss work and my colleagues, but I will be back in 19 days. The time has gone surprisingly fast. Initially, it seemed to drag. But being off the pain meds, I can think more clearly and I actually end up accomplishing something with my days. Thank goodness that I have a high pain tolerance.

While I was doing my exercises today, I couldn't help but notice another patient in the gym with me.  She was probably slightly older than I, and she seemed to be babying her leg, however, her exercises were more difficult than mine and she did not have a brace.  Of course, with my curiousity, I decided to strike up a conversation with her.  She fell at work and tore meniscus and as she said "chipped" her cartilage.  I asked if she had had surgery, she said not yet, that she was waiting for her MRI results.  I couldn't believe her disdain for her exercises and the sass that she was giving the kinesiologist.  I guess some people just don't push through it and play the victim.  Rehabilitation is really no different than any other fork in the road, you can take either path and they will get you to where you need to be, but it's a matter of how you want to experience the journey.  You can be negative and whine and feel sorry for yourself or you can suck it up and say, this is what needs to be done and I am going to do it.  I have chosen the latter.  I don't want to feel sorry for myself and I, for damn sure, want to do everything in my power to prevent this from ever happening again.  Some poor sap might find that inspirational, but really, let's face it, it's just common sense.

It's not you, it's me.

The above is never really true, there's no way around it.

If you're talking about relationships, they simply don't work because you're either the wrong person or you're the right person at the wrong time.

Honestly though, as I'm approaching my 29th year, I just don't care. I have gone through so many motions with relationships- I've been the bad one, the innocent and who knows what else. Now, I just don't care. This feeling is something that I have been accustomed to previously. My mom kind of looks at my brothers and I funny when I acknowledge the fact that she will probably never see any of us marry or have children. She gets really sad about it. But realistically, in this day and age where more marriages end in divorce, why would we want to try?

You might say I'm cynical or jaded, but I'm not. I believe in love and I believe in spending your life with one person and working for your relationship's health. I just haven't found a reason to do that yet. It is what it is. I'm okay with being alone. I have great friends and great family. I know that I can make myself happy and I do so on a daily basis. Maybe one day my brothers and I will find the right person at the right time, and we can be that person for someone else. But for now, it's just about me. Some people never find someone to spend their lives with. I will enjoy the experience and the ride.

Pretty random post tonight. Nothing to do with the knee actually. So sorry about that. "42 days injured" is just really becoming a lot of random ramblings... Maybe a start to the book. Who knows.

Can't keep your mind off

Another fantastical day.

Finished the bridal shower invites with the help of one of my besties. She promptly advised me that she is never making me bridal shower invites. Too funny. One must get married to warrant invites! I think she's safe. Chronic bachelorette over here!

Along with that awesomeness, we watched some 80s flicks. I've had a hankering for 80s flicks and wine. Apparently I have only succumbed to one of those things. It was good to see some Breakfast Club, Ferris Bueller and Uncle Buck- "what's another word for balls? NUTS!" Too great. The 80s were definitely where it was at. The 90s were somewhat lame.. Let's be honest.

Tomorrow is brunch with some of the lax team and one of my fav ladies, Mcy. Major shout out. She's almost famous.

Well, pretty lamesauce post, but it is what it is. Oh I enjoyed crutch walking today! I am excited for next week! More physio, more milestones to reach.

Here's some pics to help ya through. A taste of what I have been up to and then a little bit of inspiration. Enjoy!

Another day, another dollar

One might think I made money today judging by the title, but don't worry, I didn't.

It was a pretty awesome day though, not gonna lie. Physio was epic today and there's good news for one and all. My knee had achieved 0 degrees extension and 110 degrees flexion already!!! For peeps in the biz, that means my knee rocks. For those of you confused by this, that means I have been okayed to weightbear and "crutch walk". I can also use the recumbent bike!!! "Crutch walking" is a talent, just saying. This art form means that you walk with two crutches- pretty scientific. I can't actually walk until I get my ACL brace... The knee is still swollen, so being fit for a brace doesn'take sense if it won't fit in 2-3 weeks.

On another note, bridal shower invites are cray. This is what I have been doing for the past 2 days. A friend was over to help last night and tomorrow will be another such day. I have to figure out a classy way to say "just gift cards please". Class is the name of the game. I do wish to drink a bottle of wine while doing this... I was promptly advised that drinking and eating is frowned up while scrapbooking. While I enjoy scrapbooking, if I cannot have my wine, I don't think we can be friends (joke, I really don't drink a lot).

Tonight there was a lacrosse game and evidently my players think its cool to get injured. Jeez. Quit it!!!

I also had the joy of speaking to my good friend G. Via text he assumed that I was getting married. Funny man that he is. When he called to get the scoop and check in, I reminded him that one has to date to get married. He said I had this to look forward to, so I should heal up and get on the prowl. So awesome! If only he knew.

In other news related to men, I have none. The guy I referred to in a previous post, well there has been silence still. Shit happens. He might message, but I'm not going to hold my breath. I've decided that this year is my year. A year to better myself and do things solely for myself. Of course I will still be the best family member and friend, but it's time to do what I want. Keep dialed in, you might miss it.

Ready, Set, Go.

I really do loathe the term hipster

It's a random title and we will get to it eventually.

It's been a couple days and it looks like I will continue forgetting what day is what.  I had physio again today and it was quite awesome.  I was hooked up to the machine that pierces your muscles and stimulates the deep tissues to promote healing and taking all of the crap away.  Turns out, just as I had expected, I won't be back at work until the week of May 20th...  Frightening concept.  No brace fitting for another couple weeks, evidently my knee is still too swollen and that would be a expensive venture for a brace that will just slide down my leg (kind of like my current brace)....  On another note of physio, I had a duplicate cab driver today.  He knows my name but I stil don't know his- I will refer to him as "cash cab" because of all the crazy light shows he can have in the car.  We talked a lot about hockey.  Turns out he's from Fiji and has family in Australia.  It was pretty neat.  I told him of my plans to go to Australia next March or April.  Cash Cab was very excited for me.  I asked him why he came to Canada instead of Australia like his relies, he didn't answer...  Well, I am sure that I will get him again.  The conversations will continue.

The rest of the day was pretty blahzay.  Yes, that is a word now.  I chilled out, hung out with the dog, watched some tv (boring), caught up with some buddies via text (the stuff dreams are made of), and got to see my cool brother!!!  He brought me a slew of goodies!!!!  Kale, apples, organic carrots.  I am sure he brought me other stuff but I cannot remember.  What a sweet brother.

Tomorrow should be an interesting day.  My friend Boo is picking me up in the morning and we are going to pick up crafty things for her bridal shower invitations.  That's right, she's the bride and she is helping.  It is so messed up, but she wants to help.  The goal is to have them all out on Monday....  It will get done come hell or high water.  Another friend is supposed to be stopping in tomorrow as she is on vacay, but I haven't heard from her and she was in Sechelt earlier this week, so I hope she doesn't fret and she enjoys her vacation.  Vacations are always too few and far between.

I am living a really interesting existence.  Not quite, but we will go with it.  Oh the title...  There's a tv show coming or filming in Vancouver called "The real hipsters of Vancouver"- it is a terrifying concept, even more terrifying are the videos that people did to audition.  Google it if you're bored.  I couldn't even watch any of them the whole way through.  Too many try-hards.  Not hip.  Actually, DO NOT Google it.  I will spare you that atrocity.  Rant of the day obviously.

As for everything else in life.  Things are as good as they can be.  Maintaining a positive attitude.  I have some really amazing people in my life and a lot to be thankful for.  So, here's to that.  I think this weekend I might uncork a bottle of Cupcake Wine cause I am classy like that.  Why not.  They say you only live once, but really my fav is you only die once, you live every day.  So enlightened.

I cannot wait for the future excursions crutchless and way more mobile!!!!

Adios friends.  Catch ya on the flipside!!!

Physio time

So folks, remember GTL and t-shirt time? Well, it's physio time!!!

Yesterday was the first session with my favourite physiotherapist in the world. Seriously, if you ever need a great physio, let me know- I have ya covered! Anyways, she hooked me up to the "shocker", showed me some patellar tracking stuff and then I got to learn some new exercises. By new, I mean, I already know them, but they're new to my program now. I am so stoked!!! Shockingly my range of motion is good (I figured it would be as the specialist told me to bend it and stretch it to prevent a blood clot).

Next session tomorrow!

Remember I was having qualms about the taxi stuff? Whether to tip or not to tip. Well, I am not tipping. Now the dispatcher guesses it's me when I call... And the drives with the taxis have gotten quite hilarious. Yesterday a guy probably in his late 20s or early 30s picked me up. He asked if I lived there and pointed to the garage. No sir, I don't live in a detached garage. Then he asked if I lived in the "big house". Jeez guy. What do you think? No, I live in the trailer out back with the tarp on it. The remainder of the conversation was interesting. He wanted to know if I owned house (yes, I am a millionaire that has a beaten up VW Cabrio named Marley), what my parents do for work, and what I do for work. I think I managed to convert him from banking at RBC to WSCU- now if that isn't a good employee, I don't know what is. The taxi home was even more amusing. Different gentleman this time, and the cab was tricked out! We're talking black lights, flashing lights, sunroof, the whole 9 yards. He lost points for not turning down the right street, but I forgave him.

It was a pretty productive day. Saw a friend who is moving downtown this weekend, had sushi (how I have missed sushi) and watched a lacrosse game. I am pretty happy that I had the surgery so fast, because I should be walking and getting back to a somewhat normal life by the end of May and that means awesomeness for the summer! And friend is trying to get me to move downtown..... I can't imagine being 29 and finally living in the city.... Maybe my life will be less Girls and more Sex in the City minus all the sex and fabulous handbags. It will probably be more like The Mindy Project- now to just become a doctor.....

What's a little pain?

Well, it's been one of those days. I had an excellent time with one of my best friends, she gave me a pep talk. We had a treat, enjoyed a fabulous day. Then I got to hang with the guy.

I had big hopes and aspirations for this evening and they fell by the way side. My best intentions generally always do. I concern myself with how the other party is going to be affected with what I do or say. Tonight was no different. I noticed that my friend was not his usual self, so we just hung out as usual. After him dropping me off and my having a mini cry, I put on my big girl pants. I use the term big girl pants loosely because I was still a gigantic dick and sent my feelings and thoughts via text. DICK!

Honestly, who do I think I am? I guess I put myself first. And I did try to reiterate the fact that I couldn't do it via phone or in person because I was concerned about his well-being. Part of it is selfish though. I didn't want him to see me possibly cry. And evidently, he probably would have.

This is just another fresh hell for me. It's my own fault though- I knew what the outcome probably would be. Guess I shall see. I told him to take some time. I know I have ripped the band aid off and I know that sometimes the best way to let a wound heal is with some air.

Funny thing is I don't regret a thing. I had the opportunity to get to know a really amazing man. And who knows what the future holds.

I can always hope. For a little while.

Well, while this blog is about my knee, and my injury, I apologize for bringing that into it. Just another thing for me to cope with alongside everything else. Never a bore in Jenn land.

Might as well do some inane babbling

As you might have guessed, this entry is going to be random.

My days are filled with a copious amount of weird ideas and my trains of thought are terrifying at best- even at the best of times.  While I have been injured it has been accentuated tenfold.  I am not even lying.  I spend my days by myself, sometimes with my brother's dog if she isn't too scared of my crutches.  I have not drawn a thing since being injured and I signed up for Luminosity, but I haven't done much on there.  My days entail: sleeping, watching HGTV (Income Property is my fav- mainly because Scott is hot), listening to music and harassing anyone and I mean anyone who will talk to me.  It sounds depressing, it does, but I am not depressed.  Granted, I would love to be at work and seeing my customers and coworkers, but I guess this fits for now.

One thing I have been thinking about a lot lately is how choked I am with Lena Durham (spelling might not be correct).  Girls is a fantastic show.  I mean really fantastic.  Borderline genius.  Now as you can tell, I am a fan.  My disdain is with the fact that Girls oddly reminds me of my life- now of course, I do not live in NY, I live with my parents, I have a job, and I am no longer in my early 20s.  You might be curious where the similarities occur.  Well let me tell you.  This blog is not really fit for my stories of chagrin or hilarity, so I won't go into detail.  Those details are to be left for my memoirs, my biography, my stand up comedy skits, or well who knows, maybe the stories I tell my children.  Either way it is frightening.  I sometimes wonder if in fact some of my stories would be assumed to be fiction and for all intensive purposes, I would prefer people to think that they in fact are.  Anyways, Lena, good on ya.  Love the show.  I'll one up ya one day.

So, the above was as example of my insane train of thoughts.  I'd be afraid if I were you.

I went on an excursion today.  I like getting out of the house.  I get to go on another one tomorrow.  I get to see my best friend for coffee and a pep talk.  Then I get to see the guy.  The pep talk is directly related to the guy.  I have been seeing someone for a little bit.  I say seeing because him and I have very different ideas as to what is going on.  I have no one but myself to blame for this, but it's time for me to call the shots and lay my cards on the table.  I am assuming he will be calling my bluff and I will get to deal with that for the next while that I am under house arrest.

Good times.  Cool beans.  Fandidlytastic.

Well, enough randomness for one night.  Take care.  Try not to miss me.  I will be back with an update, probably Monday- after PHYSIO!!!!!!  Wish me luck mes amigos!

What's up doc?

I had the pleasure of seeing my specialist today. 

I was up at the forsaken eary time of 6:30 after being awake til God knows when last night and then waking up with nightmares... 

I did try to go to bed eary at 10pm, but I was sidetracked by thoughts and at 11, I finally gave up and watched "Rules of Engagement".  I was restless last night and I thought that it might be due to the fact that my body is coming off the narcotics- I only had one yesterday.  While I lay in bed, my knee was twitching and so were the surrounding muscles.  Not sure if you have ever had the joy of feeling your body or parts of your body spasm uncontrollably, but let me tell you, when it happens like this- not a good time.  The nightmare was interesting.  I don't remember much of it, but there was someone that I care about deeply in it and I was shouting at them to "f off" (the full version nonetheless).  This insane shouting actually woke me up as I was actually shouting in my sleep.  Comforting.  More comforting is knowing that no one in my household heard me.  Bad news bears.

I managed to shower a little faster than usual this morning, which amuses me, because I am once again starting to feel human.  I then decided that I would enjoy a coffee and wait for the cab to take me to the hospital.  That was a slice.  Something about cab drivers thinking that cause you're not paying for the ride and them taking the "long way around" is odd.  Had this driver attempted this if I were paying, I would have told him off, but I just waited.  It is definitely weird to wonder if you have to tip the driver.  I wondered if I should explain to this guy that I do not have cash.  I decided to just leave it.  I was a cheap person with my Coach purse, yeah pretty sure he didn't think I was cheap, just a jerk.  I had the joy of sitting in the cast clinic with a handsome young man who appeared to have the same procedure as me.  I didn't chat with him because well, it seems peculiar to start up a conversation with a dashing person just for the sake of it.  How would that conversation even begin?  "Nice leg brace.  How you doin'?"  Neither here nor there, instead of chatting with the dashing young man, I got to chat with a lovely couple in their 70s who elected to sit right beside me.  The husband and wife were quite cute with their mannerisms, turns out that he (we will call him Elmar) had had knee surgery due to arthritis and he was not very chatty and seemed to not hear everything that his wife was saying to him.  She talked to me about my knee surgery and then decided to go for a walk and bring Elmar a copy of some roadster magazine.  Well, wouldn't you know, Elmar could hear.  As soon as she left he was talking up a storm about cars and his hobby in the "olden days" of restoring them.  He talked to me about his favourite cars, Barrett-Jackson shows, why he gave it up, gardening, his operations and mine.  Quite a character Elmar was.  I didn't even feel antsy about going into my appointment 45 minutes late, I was thoroughly enjoying myself.  When I was called in, I made sure to wish Elmar and his wife luck and let them know that I enjoyed talking to them.  In all honesty, they were probably the highlight of my day.

Anyways, I am rambling.  The doctor.  My incisions are healing lovely.  Today I get to wash away the dried blood- score!  I, of course had to take a picture of this fiasco and send it to one of my good friends, she did not appreciate this.  He wanted to ensure that I haven't had any discomfort which could be a blood clot, that I start physio next week and to see him in 4 weeks.  He did also give me some nifty pictures of what the inside of my knee looked like pre- and post- surgery.  It is definitely amazing what they can do now.  I will attempt to put them up here.  I can see from the pictures the stumpyness of my old ACL and where it blew off, the rigid tears of my meniscus and of course the comfort of seeing that my cartilage is in tact.  This is all pretty cool stuff.  Be warned, the pictures will most likely be at the bottom, don't look if you don't like gross stuff- it is graphic, I guess.

Well, everything else is going well.  Just playing the waiting game.  Oh and for shits and giggles, let me tell you, I read my horoscope and then the obits this morning...  Random, yes.  If you end up having any idea if I should be tipping the cabbies, let me know.  I am going to become an avid cabbie person over the next few weeks evidently, I might as well ensure that they don't loathe me.  I get to go on a couple outtings in the next two days.  Watch a lacrosse game tomorrow night and see this guy I am interested in on Saturday.  That will be amusing.  And by amusing, I mean that I am nervous.  Completely ridiculous I am. 

I might as well heal everything at once.

 

Been a while

It's been a few days since my last post and I do apologize.  I have been wondering how I could write this daily and not bore you folks to death in the process.  There is really only so much that someone can take in terms of reading about my Pinterest obsession and the likes.

I was going to start physio tomorrow, but after looking at all of my paperwork, I realized I should probably wait until next week like the paperwork says.  I see the specialist on Thursday which will be exciting.  I cannot wait for this process to get going.

On another note, I received my juicer yesterday!!!!  It is so pretty.  And quiet.  My brother was jealous.  I made myself a lovely carrot, lemon and parsley juice today and you might think yuck, but it was delicious.  I made a lovely produce list for my Mom for tomorrow.  She has been so helpful throughout all of this- everyone has really.

My Mom has actually started calling me her "little hermit".  While I can see her concern that I might be becoming a shut in, the fact of the matter is that I am just relaxing.  Starting next week, it's going to become much busier.  I have three physio appointments, lacrosse events and I am going to push the gym thing with Mylee (my physio). 

I am really going to make the most out of this remaining 5 weeks.  I want to ensure that I am preparing my body and my mind for the big changes that have been long awaited for.  I have continuously spent too much of my short life living for the benefit of other people.  I am always concerned about how my actions will affect others and try to do things that have the least discomfort for those involved without a second thought as to how I will feel in the end.  All of my relationships have been like this, whether they be friends, family, or romantic partners.  One thing that I have learned in the past 10 days or so is that I need to start putting me first because if I don't, no one else is going to.  My girl friends have been quite instrumental in this and I cannot thank them enough. 

It is a short one today, coming back from a break, but there are things in the mix and I will definitely keep you posted as to what happens.

Random junk

So, I had been going to the gym with one of my best friends who is getting married in September and one of the other bridesmaids.  I am really sad that I can't go to the gym with them right now, but it is what it is.  As soon as I start physio, I am going to talk to her about going to the gym and maybe using the arm ergometer and hopefully the recumbant bike.  Anyways, my best friend was called yesterday about a policing application that she did.  Her and I talked on the phone about it and she was kind of frightened about the run requirements.  I suggested a trainer.  The said trainer is a dick.  The certified trainer told her that she had to lose 35lbs.  Now let's get something straight.  I have a degree in kinesiology.  I have been a manager at a gym.  I have been a pilates instructor, a weight trainer and have my personal training course.  I let all of this lapse because a- I was overweight and b- the money was not very good in the industry for the quality of life that I would have to give up.  Something about the fitness and health industry is just so backwards where health is determined by how much you weigh.  It's ridiculous.  If you are fit and muscular- you are healthy.  My friend is healthy.  Her specific goal was to discuss her running program.  When I talked to her today, she said that the running program was the last thing on her trainer's list.  I am working on the running program now.

I am home alone today with Kale (my brother's dog that lives with us).  She is laying on my bed, underneath a blanket that she thinks is more useful to her than I.  So cute.  I have the Kodiak ice machine on my knee and it has effectively frozen it.  Already, I have harassed both of my brothers, which well, I know that they love.  I never thought that I was needy, but evidently, I think that people should talk to me (I have definitely not become an introvert).  How dare my family and friends have jobs!

I did end up buying a juicer, I am pretty stoked.  They have not mailed it out yet though.

On another note, I washed my hair yesterday, that was a comedy and a half.  Something about seeing someone hobble to the sink, trying to balance on one leg and washing her hair is amusing.  Thank God no one was home.  I have since decided that these fiascos should probably be attempted when there are people around, in case I clutz out.  And yes, I said clutz out.  For those of you that know me, you get what I am saying.

Anyways, I think that is all for today.  I believe that there are 40 days remaining....  The rest of this week is pretty boring until I go out....  It appears that 3 nights in a row I would be going out.  I do not think that this is wise.  I might stay in on Saturday just to keep my knee at bay.  Be afraid, be very afraid. 

So, bad news bears, today's session is over.  I am off to research running programs, attempt to make food, and heaven knows what else I will attempt to do.  Maybe read some Canadian Securities- pretty enticing eh?

Ciao bella!

Triathalons are dangerous?

This is probably worse.

What happened?

So, as you knowI had knee surgery on Friday. I am on pain killers, which according to my Google research are a form of opiates. I was initially on Percocet, however I am apparently allergic to that business. Always a plus when you're allergic to thegood stuff.

Sleeping has become rather interesting and the dreams are very vivid. I wake up every few hours and the worst part is when the pain killer has worn off and I have moved onto my knee. I swear a few times in the night. Now, one would think that vivid dreams are awesome, and they are if you're not dreaming about work and car accidents. Funny thing is that over the years some of my dreams have been kind of premonitions- you can roll your eyes now. In all honesty though, if you're going to have crazy dreams, I think we can all agree that you might as well have trippy dreams and not boring and depressing dreams.

Either way, I was going to tell you about the surgery. I found out last month that I was going to have to have a pretty intense surgery. Initially the specialist and my physio and I assumed that myknee issue was just meniscus. The MRI proved otherwise. I had blown my previousACL construction from 13 years ago, along with damage to the medial meniscus. This was going to be a surgery that meant 6 weeks on crutches and my main concern other than work was the fear of another blood clot. I experienced a substantial amount of anxiety and after discussing things with the specialist, I had a good cry in my car. Now for those of you who know me well, I do not cry often. Sure,I might have a tear in a touching movie or a book, and I do cry at funerals,weddings and at the loss of a relationship.  Typical girl stuff.  But something about the realization of another blood clot and the information that I would have to have a donor tendon this time around got to me. As I had already used my hamstring tendon in the first ACL reconstruction, I would now have to have a donor tendon. This donor tendon meant that I would have to be prepared for the possibility of contracting hepatitis or HIV. The odds are 1 in 200,000 or something ludicrous like that. Regardless of the odds and my previous background in statistics, it wasn't something that I wanted to hear. I became relentless in my want to lose weight, it has been something that I have been working on for a while already and so far am down 35 lbs, but I figured if I didn't have to have surgery for a year,I might as well be down the full 100. I was prepared to make this full change.

On Wednesday of last week I received powercalls from my specialist, when I called back, I found out that surgery was Friday.  Two days prior to that she had told me that it was going to be May 24. Clearly I was not going to be down 100lbs for surgery, but I could try for 20. Now with two days notice, I had to figure out work and also the aftermath.

The surgery went well. I had an option of an epidural or being put to sleep. I chose sleep. Now don't get me wrong, I find the entire process fascinating and I am one of those people who love the body exhibit, but something about being present for your own surgery and knowing if there are complications is concerning. Post-surgery, I received a neat file showing what had been done. My ACL was reconstructed with a anterior tibialis tendon, the lateral and medial meniscus was shaved down and there was no degeneration of my other cartilage. There was also a donor card. Basically,when you have surgery now and a donor organ/tissue is used, you have the ability to write a letter to the family of the donor expressing your gratitude and what this means to you. It is a pretty awesome idea. I will definitely be writing to the family. I was a little out of it with the percs and the anaesthesia, and said to my Mom that she has that to look forward to when I die (I am anorgan donor). Both Mom and the nurse gave me a weird look. I will let you figure that one out. And no, I am not suicidal.

So, I am now not only bionic (metal in the ankle), but also have another person in me... It's weird knowing that. I am thankful. I am hoping that rehab is perfect and that the surgery was successful. I want to accomplish something in fitness. My brother told me maybe I should forgo anything with impact. But I really have this desire to train for a triathlon. He will probably laugh at this. But honestly, down the weight, and a brand new tendon.... I should be able to do one.

Amusing myself

I have painted my nails 3 times in 12 hours.  I have also watched Dr Oz and Iyanla Vanzant today.  If you are ever feeling low and wondering about how you can cope with life, I strongly suggest Iyanla Vanzant.  It should be noted that I am not feeling low right now, i just wanted to enlighten you.

Currently, I am watching the Nucks kick some butt and have the Kodiak ice machine on my leg, it feels amazing. 

Surprisingly, I am becoming slightly more introverted, which is not something that I will be taking a liking to.  I imagine that I will read my CSC book, maybe do some drawing, update whomever wishes to read this business, and harass anyone who will listen to me. 

Today was a remotely successgful.  I managed to not gorge on chips and crap and drank coffee and water and ate only dinner.  This is not healthy in the slightest, but it's better than me eating away the boredom.  I have done some research and am contemplating juicing.  Juicing seems like it might be slightly healthy and easy for someone that is hobbling around to do.

I shall keep you posted on this business.

If you have any tasty juice ideas, let me know.  I don't think I like V8 or Clamato, so this might not be a smart endeavour.

On another note, I might actually go out this weekend....  There's a frightening concept.  Out on crutches.

Zombie leg

A little history

Now let's get one thing out of the way right off the bat.  I am not an athlete, I have never been a great athlete.  Ask my brothers.  I am the person who walks and breaks an ankle, this is a true story, it has happened (granted, I was drunk).

I grew up with two younger brothers and was a tom boy.  I hated the fact that I was a girl and thoroughlly detested the fact that I was in t-ball, softball, Brownies and the likes of that.  There's nothing wrong with any of those things, but the fact of the matter was that my brothers did cool stuff- like pee standing up and play lacrosse.  When I decided that I wanted to play lacrosse, my Dad was concerned about his little girl getting hurt, so he said no, I joined Karate.  If I couldn't hit or get hit playing lacrosse, I was going to spar. 

I became infatuated with karate and practiced all the time, I then became obsessed with basketball and thought that I could get a scholarship, so I trained.  I would lay on my back on the floor of my bedroom and practice my shot- ensuring the backspin was there- 200 shots a night.  Form was everything.

My tomboyness followed me into highschool and I dressed like a boy, I will show you pics later...  The tomboyness continued to the point where I participated in intramural sports with my brothers in hockey and soccer.  One day when I was 15 in PE, we were playing quad soccer and I was my usual competitive self.  I chased down a ball and passed it off, my knee was hyper extended and a schoolmate kicked me behind the knee.

I recall it like it was yesterday.  My knee popped.  I went down.  My leg was just hanging there.   I went to the clinic and remember breaking down afterwards in the van on the way home.  I knew then that my attempted sports career was over.  My Mom thought that I was melodramatic.

Little did she know.

Fast forwarding to today.  I have had 4 knee surgeries to date- 2 ACL and 4 have been due to meniscus.  I have also had an ankle surgery from the walking drunk and breaking it.  I have had a blood clot as well.  This should be noted that ALL of this has occurred on my right leg.  My lucky leg.

This blog is about my most recent injury.  I tore my ACL and meniscus back in October coming into work.  I just had surgery on Friday.  I won't go into the details of the work injury or the work-related stuff, because well, it's not important here.  This is more about maintaining some sort of sanity and ensuring that I don't get depressed or eat my feelings- cause God knows I can do that.

6 weeks off of work will prove to be interesting.  I have already had tons of visitors and support.  But as I recall from previous injuries, even this dwindles and that is fine.  People have their own lives and their own things going on.  I am not upset about that.   I know that at the end of the day, I have myself to count on and I am going to be the one getting myself through this injury.

So, there you have it.  A little bit of history.  Quite a consolidated version, but you don't need to know everything.  Yet.