And the beat goes on...

Sometimes people can get so absorbed in their own lives that they forget that the world is out there carrying on without them.  Sometimes I am that particular person.

I usually pride myself on being in tune to other people.  I like to ensure that there is a level of balance, peace or equilibrium in all of my relationships.  In saying that, it's easy for me to revert back into myself so that I can recharge.

I think that the biggest thing for me to learn is to stop giving so much of myself to one person or multiple people. I've never been big into New Year resolutions and have always thought if there's something that you're unhappy with, you should just change it.

Maybe 2014 I will make a resolution or two.  The resolution will be to follow through.  Now doesn't that sound lovely?

Pep talk- buying a house style

So, I've been looking to buy a place for the past few months.  I've gone from buying used to new, back to used.  I've looked at townhouses, apartments, and investing with my parents in a single family home, which in fact would be a dual family home...

The fact of the matter is that in less than a year I will be 30 and I might still be living at home with my parents and my two younger brothers.  And that petrifies me.  Seriously.

When my Mom was 29, she had already popped out two kids and was on her way to being mortgage-free with my Dad.  Granted, I get that the times are a changing.  I know I haven't met Mister Right (I did meet a Wright, but that was all wrong) and buying a place by myself is really the smartest thing that I could do.  But I can't help but wonder, how many people are like me out there?  We're twenty and thirty-somethings and we're living the dream at home with ma and pa.  And by dream, I mean nightmare. Don't get me wrong, I love my family, but there's something about spreading your wings and being self-sufficient and doing whatever you want.

I took a Stats Can call the other day and was intrigued by my responses.  So intrigued that I look forward to seeing the current stats in Canada about whom lives with whom and how old all those cool cats are.  Buying a place on a single income is one scary mofo of a situation, so why not live with the 'rents a little longer?

My Grandmother advised me the other day that I should be asking my Dad for help to buy a place, because, as she put it- my brothers can go out and find wives, while I most likely will end up alone.  Well, Happy Holidays to you too my dear Grandmother.  Sheesh.  And I've travelled with you.  I have listened to your inane dating fiascos and I'm going to be the old spinster....  I feel like Mindy from the Mindy Project, except I don't live in NY, I'm not a rich, successful doctor, and well yeah.   So really, not like Mindy at all.  That's about it.

Don't take this the wrong way, I'm not bitter.  I accept that I might not have the fairy tale ending with Prince Charming, but damn, a little help?  I'm nifty.  I like sports.  I like beer and can drink whiskey.   And I throw a mean right hook when I need to.  This really doesn't sound like the enticing summary of an online dating profile...  But I don't want that.  I am happy being alone.  I know who I am.  I know what I want, what I will accept and what I won't.  And at the end of the day, I have me and I love me.  I have fantastic friends and family and no bs about wondering when Capitain D-bag is going to call.  You might think I'm jaded, but I call it realistic.  And let's face it, I'm fantastic, and I'm buying a condo by myself.  Preferably before I'm 30.  

An asshole is always an asshole

After a few glasses of vino, oh who the hell am I kidding, how about a bottle, I have found my thoughts lingering towards you.

While I've deleted you from my phone and told you I don't want to talk to you again, I actually feel an intense need to message you.  I know you're no good for me and I highly doubt that you even think of me.  But that is what bothers me.  How could I have gone for the safe bet and have you end up a complete and utter asshole?  How could I have thought that someone as timid as you would have turned out to be a jerk?

I know that not everyone is going to mesh, in my mind, I thought we would.  I thought you would have seen that.  Here I am on a couch, in a room that we have once been in and I'm wondering if any of it ever meant anything or if it was just a pile of shit.

Neither here nor there, it really doesn't matter anymore.  You wanted to maintain a friendship, but when it came down to it, you didn't respect me enough to show me what a friendship would mean.  I'm better off without you and everyone I've talked to believes the same thing.  I would have been what you wanted or needed because I cared and loved you, but you were never going to be what I wanted or needed.

It's heart breaking, but it's just another chapter closed.  Another disappointment that will lead down the road.  I know one day I will find what I'm looking for and honestly you probably never will.  I thank you for the lesson, for the fun times while they lasted and for the sheer sadness that's left me feeling like this.  You'll never read this, but at least it's better than maintaining some illusion of contact.

I might write my memoirs one day and you will be in them.  You will be the portion of the man who made me love him, but never had any intention of loving me back.  You, my friend, are a coward, as Bob Marley said.  Thank you.

Random

It's been awhile, what can I say.  Life is interesting to say the least.  I've learned a lot over this past year.  Just last month marked a year since my injury.  I've started bootcamp and now do Pilates a couple of times a week.  I'm on a mission.  My mission is health and there's no looking back.

Not only is physical health my goal, but also ensuring that my mental health stays in the right zone.  Over this past year, I have been involved in a somewhat tumultuous relationship.  I've cared for the man and loved him, hoping all along that it would reciprocate.  Over the past 11 months, awaiting him to make up his mind, has left my self-esteem low, my heart broken a few times, and a general level of disdain towards the whole situation.

Finally it's completely over.  We are going to try to be friends, but I don't know what that looks like and most of my friends don't get why I would want to maintain a friendship with him.  In all honesty, that's just the person that I have always been- the one who puts herself last and is always concerned about the other party.  I really as truly believe that that is my downfall.  I don't foresee myself changing who I am as a person, so I guess I will see if he actually wants to maintain a friendship.

In the meantime, here's to Bootcamp, Pilates, eating clean, meditating, and feeling comfortable in my skin again.  I have a lot of self-love, it just so happens that sometimes it gets questioned.  Here's too my 29th year.  Here's to the year that I meet my health goals.  And here's to the year where I don't allow a man to decide my value.

Almost there

I'm not fully healed by any means, but I'm happy to say that as of Tuesday, I will be back at work.  That's exciting business.  My first day back will include an interview for a full time position.  Stoked.

I finally got the new knee brace this week and as of yesterday, I have been approved to do squats in my exercises.  Words cannot express my excitement.  Who knew that I would be stoked about squats?!?  Not me, that's for damn sure.

I have come to a lot of realizations since I have been off.  I have re-evaluated what I want in terms of my health- physical and mental, relationships, and my career.  I am not surprised by any of my realizations, I guess it was just time for me to decide to act on them.  So here we go.

The focus for the remainder of 2013 will obviously entail full rehabilitation of my leg, the remainder of my weightloss journey, a push in my career and mainly a  sincere focus on my friends and family.  Looks like a lot, eh?  It is a lot, but at the end of the day, it's all for the betterment of myself.  Kind of selfish, but I'm the one living my life and it is all about me.

42 days injured has turned into something much more.  I shouldn't have titled this "42 days injured"- it should have been called "42 days of healing" or something somewhat deep like that.

It's been a slice.  You'll have to stay tuned for more, this blog is pretty much finished.  I will keep you updated as the rehab continues, but those will just be milestones and reek of excitement and awesomeness.

I think that my next blog will be about the remainder of my weightloss journey.  Got a little ways to go, but I'm driven.  I'm not ending up on a surgery table again, I will not be scared of ever having a blood clot, and I sure as hell am not going to let someone else tell me my future.

Over and out friendos.

Dance dance

I can't actually dance, I chair dance.  

Quite random.  

So, the knee.  Things are looking up.  Saw the specialist yesterday, been okayed to go back to work gradually.  As of the 27th, I will be back 5 days a week at 4 hours a day to build up.  This will go on for 4 weeks.  Pretty exciting business.

My physiotherapist is in Bali now, lucky girl and she won't be happy to know that next week I get to start hammy work.  Apparently I could have been doing hammy work since the start of physio...  Good of the specialist to let us know the protocol he gave us was for an ACL hamstring graft reconstruction.  I probably could have been a lot further along.  C'est la vie.

I went and visited my work yesterday, dropped off the dr note and saw my coworkers.  I've missed them.  I will be back in no time though.

It's a long weekend and usually I would be preparing for a rodeo excursion, but that won't be going down this year.  I'm going to have the pleasure of seeing some amazing people tomorrow and firing up the BBQ.  

Anyways, 42 days injured is drawing to a close.  The rehabilitation part as noted in previous posts will continue.  I can't wait to share my progress.  I have some lofty goals ahead, but I'll get them done.

Talk to ya soon!

Odds and sods

The Italian invasion has left.  I didn't get to spend as much time with them as I would have liked, but that's the nature of it.  All of the family comes out to see my Nonni when they are in town, and so they should.  It just means that I will have to go visit more.

This past week has been one of those weeks.  I've been walking, but the pain has shot up, I still don't have the right knee brace, so back to a crutch I go.  Have to protect the graft.  This process has kind of started to get me down, but then I remember it is what it is.  Rehabilitation will be 7 months prior to even running.  Yikes.  First things first.

Last week marked the 9th year since my Papa's passing.  He was a peach.  One of the kindest souls I have ever known.  They just don't make 'em like him and my Nonno anymore.  

Maybe I will become a crazy cat lady (but with dogs). My Nonno kept asking me this weekend when my wedding is.  I laughed, he then asked if I like girls- no Nonno, I very much like men.  He told me that if I go to church, God will send me a prince- sweet thought, but I don't think that's how it works.  Oh Nonno.  Just because I'm his only single granddaughter, pushing 29 and living with my parents doesn't mean that I am a failure...  On second thought, maybe it's time to move out.  Budget time.

Adios and catch ya later.  Odds and sods for sure.