An asshole is always an asshole

After a few glasses of vino, oh who the hell am I kidding, how about a bottle, I have found my thoughts lingering towards you.

While I've deleted you from my phone and told you I don't want to talk to you again, I actually feel an intense need to message you.  I know you're no good for me and I highly doubt that you even think of me.  But that is what bothers me.  How could I have gone for the safe bet and have you end up a complete and utter asshole?  How could I have thought that someone as timid as you would have turned out to be a jerk?

I know that not everyone is going to mesh, in my mind, I thought we would.  I thought you would have seen that.  Here I am on a couch, in a room that we have once been in and I'm wondering if any of it ever meant anything or if it was just a pile of shit.

Neither here nor there, it really doesn't matter anymore.  You wanted to maintain a friendship, but when it came down to it, you didn't respect me enough to show me what a friendship would mean.  I'm better off without you and everyone I've talked to believes the same thing.  I would have been what you wanted or needed because I cared and loved you, but you were never going to be what I wanted or needed.

It's heart breaking, but it's just another chapter closed.  Another disappointment that will lead down the road.  I know one day I will find what I'm looking for and honestly you probably never will.  I thank you for the lesson, for the fun times while they lasted and for the sheer sadness that's left me feeling like this.  You'll never read this, but at least it's better than maintaining some illusion of contact.

I might write my memoirs one day and you will be in them.  You will be the portion of the man who made me love him, but never had any intention of loving me back.  You, my friend, are a coward, as Bob Marley said.  Thank you.

Random

It's been awhile, what can I say.  Life is interesting to say the least.  I've learned a lot over this past year.  Just last month marked a year since my injury.  I've started bootcamp and now do Pilates a couple of times a week.  I'm on a mission.  My mission is health and there's no looking back.

Not only is physical health my goal, but also ensuring that my mental health stays in the right zone.  Over this past year, I have been involved in a somewhat tumultuous relationship.  I've cared for the man and loved him, hoping all along that it would reciprocate.  Over the past 11 months, awaiting him to make up his mind, has left my self-esteem low, my heart broken a few times, and a general level of disdain towards the whole situation.

Finally it's completely over.  We are going to try to be friends, but I don't know what that looks like and most of my friends don't get why I would want to maintain a friendship with him.  In all honesty, that's just the person that I have always been- the one who puts herself last and is always concerned about the other party.  I really as truly believe that that is my downfall.  I don't foresee myself changing who I am as a person, so I guess I will see if he actually wants to maintain a friendship.

In the meantime, here's to Bootcamp, Pilates, eating clean, meditating, and feeling comfortable in my skin again.  I have a lot of self-love, it just so happens that sometimes it gets questioned.  Here's too my 29th year.  Here's to the year that I meet my health goals.  And here's to the year where I don't allow a man to decide my value.

Almost there

I'm not fully healed by any means, but I'm happy to say that as of Tuesday, I will be back at work.  That's exciting business.  My first day back will include an interview for a full time position.  Stoked.

I finally got the new knee brace this week and as of yesterday, I have been approved to do squats in my exercises.  Words cannot express my excitement.  Who knew that I would be stoked about squats?!?  Not me, that's for damn sure.

I have come to a lot of realizations since I have been off.  I have re-evaluated what I want in terms of my health- physical and mental, relationships, and my career.  I am not surprised by any of my realizations, I guess it was just time for me to decide to act on them.  So here we go.

The focus for the remainder of 2013 will obviously entail full rehabilitation of my leg, the remainder of my weightloss journey, a push in my career and mainly a  sincere focus on my friends and family.  Looks like a lot, eh?  It is a lot, but at the end of the day, it's all for the betterment of myself.  Kind of selfish, but I'm the one living my life and it is all about me.

42 days injured has turned into something much more.  I shouldn't have titled this "42 days injured"- it should have been called "42 days of healing" or something somewhat deep like that.

It's been a slice.  You'll have to stay tuned for more, this blog is pretty much finished.  I will keep you updated as the rehab continues, but those will just be milestones and reek of excitement and awesomeness.

I think that my next blog will be about the remainder of my weightloss journey.  Got a little ways to go, but I'm driven.  I'm not ending up on a surgery table again, I will not be scared of ever having a blood clot, and I sure as hell am not going to let someone else tell me my future.

Over and out friendos.

Dance dance

I can't actually dance, I chair dance.  

Quite random.  

So, the knee.  Things are looking up.  Saw the specialist yesterday, been okayed to go back to work gradually.  As of the 27th, I will be back 5 days a week at 4 hours a day to build up.  This will go on for 4 weeks.  Pretty exciting business.

My physiotherapist is in Bali now, lucky girl and she won't be happy to know that next week I get to start hammy work.  Apparently I could have been doing hammy work since the start of physio...  Good of the specialist to let us know the protocol he gave us was for an ACL hamstring graft reconstruction.  I probably could have been a lot further along.  C'est la vie.

I went and visited my work yesterday, dropped off the dr note and saw my coworkers.  I've missed them.  I will be back in no time though.

It's a long weekend and usually I would be preparing for a rodeo excursion, but that won't be going down this year.  I'm going to have the pleasure of seeing some amazing people tomorrow and firing up the BBQ.  

Anyways, 42 days injured is drawing to a close.  The rehabilitation part as noted in previous posts will continue.  I can't wait to share my progress.  I have some lofty goals ahead, but I'll get them done.

Talk to ya soon!

Odds and sods

The Italian invasion has left.  I didn't get to spend as much time with them as I would have liked, but that's the nature of it.  All of the family comes out to see my Nonni when they are in town, and so they should.  It just means that I will have to go visit more.

This past week has been one of those weeks.  I've been walking, but the pain has shot up, I still don't have the right knee brace, so back to a crutch I go.  Have to protect the graft.  This process has kind of started to get me down, but then I remember it is what it is.  Rehabilitation will be 7 months prior to even running.  Yikes.  First things first.

Last week marked the 9th year since my Papa's passing.  He was a peach.  One of the kindest souls I have ever known.  They just don't make 'em like him and my Nonno anymore.  

Maybe I will become a crazy cat lady (but with dogs). My Nonno kept asking me this weekend when my wedding is.  I laughed, he then asked if I like girls- no Nonno, I very much like men.  He told me that if I go to church, God will send me a prince- sweet thought, but I don't think that's how it works.  Oh Nonno.  Just because I'm his only single granddaughter, pushing 29 and living with my parents doesn't mean that I am a failure...  On second thought, maybe it's time to move out.  Budget time.

Adios and catch ya later.  Odds and sods for sure.

Invasion!

It's the invasion of the Italians this weekend.  You cannot even begin to understand how stoked I am.  S T O K E D.  Simple as that.

My Nona and Nono are in town today to celebrate her 80th birthday party with a bunch of Italians who came off the boat the same year as her.  That's what I've heard anyways, it might be slightly different than that.

I love it when I get to see my grandparents.  I used to actually go stay with them for 3-4 weeks in the summer when I was younger.  I don't get up there as much anymore which is really quite sad.  I need to do that.  I have been lucky to know both sets of my grandparents and I thank my lucky stars for that.

Something about spending time with family, reminiscing, hearing about the old days, it really puts things into perspective for someone.

I am looking forward to some good company, good food and good wine.  

Also, I am looking forward to catching the NLL championship game this weekend.  Yep, that's random.

Well, til I see you again.  I'm going to finish getting my hair did and pick up some items for dinner.  Then drink some wine and espresso.  Jealous much?

Ciao bella!

Living the dream

It's been a glorious few days. I have appreciated the ableness to drive again and have put a substantial amount of miles on the good ol' Cabrio. It is top down weather you know.

Since the last post, I have also started walking. Now this is the bees knees. I have to count my blessings that I have not had to suffer an injury that affects my upper body, other than a broken thumb a time or two (touch wood)- but being unable to walk sucks. Walking currently entails minor tasks, not prolonged in duration, and then a speedy requirement of elevation and icing. Still no work until the week of May 20th.

Physio was painful yesterday, but it is what it is. I have the battle wounds of colourful bruises to prove it. I think my therapist takes great joy in inflicting discomfort, but she is awesome and making me better, so I go with it. Also I have been fitted for my knee brace. I chose a pretty nifty green one, because well it didn't come in black and mauve just ain't my style. I just have to wait for it to be approved. Fingers are crossed that it's a speedy process. Evidently I am going to be wearing this brace for everything for 6 months. What the business. And then 6 or more months after that I get to wear it for physical activity.

This is a sentilating post, isn't it? You wish you were as cool as me.

Oh side bar- B's stagette has been booked!! CAN NOT WAIT! I will be rocking out the emerald knee brace at the beach, winery, and wherever else I see fit. I should probably tell her not to worry about seeing the thing in the wedding pics- I'm nice and will take it off for photos.

It's all a day in the life of me. Read 'em and weep. Catch ya on the b side.