An asshole is always an asshole

After a few glasses of vino, oh who the hell am I kidding, how about a bottle, I have found my thoughts lingering towards you.

While I've deleted you from my phone and told you I don't want to talk to you again, I actually feel an intense need to message you.  I know you're no good for me and I highly doubt that you even think of me.  But that is what bothers me.  How could I have gone for the safe bet and have you end up a complete and utter asshole?  How could I have thought that someone as timid as you would have turned out to be a jerk?

I know that not everyone is going to mesh, in my mind, I thought we would.  I thought you would have seen that.  Here I am on a couch, in a room that we have once been in and I'm wondering if any of it ever meant anything or if it was just a pile of shit.

Neither here nor there, it really doesn't matter anymore.  You wanted to maintain a friendship, but when it came down to it, you didn't respect me enough to show me what a friendship would mean.  I'm better off without you and everyone I've talked to believes the same thing.  I would have been what you wanted or needed because I cared and loved you, but you were never going to be what I wanted or needed.

It's heart breaking, but it's just another chapter closed.  Another disappointment that will lead down the road.  I know one day I will find what I'm looking for and honestly you probably never will.  I thank you for the lesson, for the fun times while they lasted and for the sheer sadness that's left me feeling like this.  You'll never read this, but at least it's better than maintaining some illusion of contact.

I might write my memoirs one day and you will be in them.  You will be the portion of the man who made me love him, but never had any intention of loving me back.  You, my friend, are a coward, as Bob Marley said.  Thank you.

Random

It's been awhile, what can I say.  Life is interesting to say the least.  I've learned a lot over this past year.  Just last month marked a year since my injury.  I've started bootcamp and now do Pilates a couple of times a week.  I'm on a mission.  My mission is health and there's no looking back.

Not only is physical health my goal, but also ensuring that my mental health stays in the right zone.  Over this past year, I have been involved in a somewhat tumultuous relationship.  I've cared for the man and loved him, hoping all along that it would reciprocate.  Over the past 11 months, awaiting him to make up his mind, has left my self-esteem low, my heart broken a few times, and a general level of disdain towards the whole situation.

Finally it's completely over.  We are going to try to be friends, but I don't know what that looks like and most of my friends don't get why I would want to maintain a friendship with him.  In all honesty, that's just the person that I have always been- the one who puts herself last and is always concerned about the other party.  I really as truly believe that that is my downfall.  I don't foresee myself changing who I am as a person, so I guess I will see if he actually wants to maintain a friendship.

In the meantime, here's to Bootcamp, Pilates, eating clean, meditating, and feeling comfortable in my skin again.  I have a lot of self-love, it just so happens that sometimes it gets questioned.  Here's too my 29th year.  Here's to the year that I meet my health goals.  And here's to the year where I don't allow a man to decide my value.